I have not posted anything here in a long time. I had a health crisis. I was near death. For a very brief time I went to heaven. Let me simply say I did not want to come back. More on that in a later post. To say the least it all gave me pause, time to reflect, pray, and examine my Relationship with the Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit as I have never done. What I thought was a good Relationship, needed work. I thought I was ready to face Him, but I was not. And that realization struck fear in my heart, anxiety like never before. All my other small fears, anxieties, ticks, habits, concerns were nothing compared to that one thought, I was not ready to meet Him. The world had a grip on me more than I thought. It was in me in places where only He should have been. He was not THE priority in everything, yes everything, and He needed to be, and He needs to be.
So you better believe I said to myself and Him, that will change. That desire motivated me to spend as much time as possible, and then some, with Him in prayer. To open myself up like never before, to see the ugliness He saw, that I so often denied, and was so good (so I thought) of covering up to others. I knew it would take time, and I stopped writing to others about Him, I stopped posting here. I told myself and Him that I would write again one day, for Him, but only when this vessel was cleaned within, and that Word He wants others to Know can be written and published with a pure heart right before Him in all my ways. Sure, I would speak when the Holy Spirit made it obvious when and what to say and to whom. But who was I to write to you, or anyone, about how the Relationship should be, when mine was not what it should be. And besides, I thought, there are so many others willing to speak and write His Word for you to hear and read. What good is one more voice, if not just more of the same, or more noise when His message should be clear to the ear that hears it, clear the the eye that reads it. But today, He moved in me. I do not and will not know who will benefit by my writing these words. I just need to obey, as I have through His healing of me, and write what He has placed on my heart to say, in complete obedience, just as I walk, talk, think in that obedience. This is my confession to you. I believe what I have posted in the past is the Word of God. It is what the Holy Spirit placed on my heart to write. When I read it now, over again, I see that His hand and voice is in it. It has His energy, His Love, His Being, His Life, but although I allowed Him to use me as a tool for His will, that tool was not what it should be or could be before Him. I am and will continue to be a work in progress, that is life. But I give Him my days, the best of every morning, the best of every evening, the day's troubles and victories, and there is nothing more important than Him and my Relationship with Him. That is my desire, and I hope it is yours also.
As dedicated as I was to Him before, now I am more so. I want His Peace, and the Peace of Knowing I can stop and pray when I need to, whenever I want to, as often as I wish to, and the World can wait. By the world I mean my relationships, my work, my deeds, my hopes, my dreams, my trials, my tragedies, my everything in this world. Him and Him alone is my thought, and He needs to Know, like I need to Know that. Nothing but Him. Because everything else comes after Him, and means nothing compared to Him.
I need to forgive everything and everyone in my heart that I hold unforgiveness for. Yes, everything and everyone, completely, for now and eternity. I recall now Jesus, as one of his last actions on earth, He said, Father forgive them for they know not what they do. Imagine what they were doing, that Jesus had a human moment of wondering if His father had forsaken Him, then realizing his death was what His Father wanted to happen and needed to happen, the way it did, all for us. He showed me how to forgive in that moment. He showed me His forgiveness the day I was saved and received His Spirit. He has taught me in these past couple of years, the true depth and magnitude and importance of forgiveness. And I want to share some of those mysteries that were revealed to me, in case you do not know or see those.
I want to Love as He Loves, everyday, all day. I want to give as He gives, without hoping for or depending on a return. The Holy Spirit has shown me so, so much about the Father, so much more than I ever knew, and just took on faith. That Knowing has freed me from so many burdens carried so unnecessarily, with such of waste of my energy and focus.
So much more to share that I have been shown, have learned, and now am. He taught me how to open up even more to Him, and Trust Him with everything, the good and the bad and the ugly. Not only is He OK with that, He wants us to do just that. The healing can then come. So when I live and write now, I do so with more honesty, more humility, more self confession of fault, and taking the last seat in the last row is not only OK with me, but a must. And because I have His healing, not just in body, but in mind and spirit, I feel like I can write again. That now although I was trustworthy before in many things, I hope and pray I am trustworthy now in all things, or at least that is my desire and goal. To consider others more than myself, and actually gain confidence in that vulnerability. Others may take advantage of me, and do so without thanks or even acknowledgment, but because He sees and in fact He has directed me to do so, that I Know what I do pleases Him is all the confidence I need and want. And that just doesn't sound good, it is a fact and is good. And I don't feel vulnerable as the world knows it, each time I am so and act so, I am even more secure in Him, and that is the only security that matters, that is the only self worth that counts.
I saw a little bit of heaven, for a brief moment, and He said I was not ready and He has more for me to do. Wow, what I saw and felt was something words cannot express, so wonderful, so joyful, see even as I want to tell you, using the best words cannot describe it.
For now I leave you with this... Be encouraged, heaven waits for you, the Father wants to spend time with you, let your spirit come alive, seek Him daily, moment by moment, set the world aside, because you can and you must. Put the world in its place, and put the Father in His place: all of your heart and the most important thing in and on your mind. Live each day to please Him, in all, you do, say, and think. His rewards are marvelous, and endless. His Peace is worth all your Trust.