I have been sick for about 6 weeks now (post date : 01-26-2024) , and getting over it just today I believe. The coughing that took me to blackout and just short of it, is less now. Chest congestion, head congestion, ear aches, body aches, foggy thinking, stomach aches, no taste or smell of food, and if there was, it was awful. Through that time praying was hard, much more difficult than ever before, and just having hope was impossible. Hope in what? Another night and day of certain misery until? Its one thing to be sick for a few days, even a couple weeks, but 6 weeks! I knew and know God is with me, in me, but it became also clear he was letting me go through the length and width and breathe of this sickness. Perseverance is a very unwelcomed teacher. It teaches lessons we don’t want to have to learn. It reveals in us complacency, taking things for granted, even apathy. But, I didn’t care really, if there was a good reason for it in the end or not. I just wanted it to be over with. So I prayed angry prayers, why wouldn’t he heal me! I mean out loud, yelling to Him, to His face. I knew he could, I hoped he would, but he did not.
And yet I knew and know, after all there is a truth that cannot change, he is my healer, and whether I was sick or not, nothing changes that, ever! I have that faith. The faith that turns a belief into a certainty, that says he can and he will. Having faith like that can hurt, and it hurts deeper, more intensely, and messes with my mind even more the more faith I have, the more certain I become, the more trust I place in him. When life (and satan) says to me see he will not, he cannot, he is not, he wont, and the darkness tries to say there is no evidence to support my faith and trust, there is no hope, he is not coming to help, and I do… well, just when I think I am all in, there is more “all in” to have, to go to. There, in that moment is the revelation that I haven’t trusted enough, haven’t prayed as deep as I could, as directly, as honestly, as openly, as surrendered, and I have not completely trusted as if nothing else mattered at all, ever. There in that moment, is where I then have to take all my dreams, hopes, aspirations, desires, plans, relationships, awards, deeds, trophies, and my future and place them all on the shelf, the lowest one, the shelf that is not allowed in the same room with my Lord and me. What an eye opener, what a heart opener. I thought I had placed my relationship with the Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit in the greatest place, the highest, the almighty, the only. Yet, as these sicknesses that ripped apart my soul, stole my peace, and shook that place in me, the sickness became all I could think about. I saw in that focus the lack of trust and hope and joy and resting in Him, that I was in that place, a place I didn’t want to be in, where I was kidding myself, in self deceits, the place I thought I wasn’t. I thought because when times were decent, tolerable, and my faith was working, that was enough. Nope! It was only when the circumstances of my health and place grew so dim and dark that death became a possibility did I see where I truly was with Him. All business on hold, all distractions just that and now meaningless, all demands as if they were not, all desires other than to just be with Him were dismissed. Yes, as it was in the beginning, it was now. Everything else in another place, and where the Lord and me were it was just us, my resting in Him, being restored, being loved, being forgiven, knowing the fruit of that much trust and also knowing it is endless, and everything and I mean everything else could wait. That place where surrendering all the dim and dark and sick for Him to carry was real, certain, refreshing, assuring, comforting. So certain that if that day was my last day, I would not even notice death, its sting extinguished by his love and presence, and the next moment with Him, as if I never left Him. That is the hope for eternity. When a hope and belief becomes such a trust that it becomes not just faith, but a certainty. On my worst day, the sickness consuming me, I realized I had not spent as much time with Him as I needed to for the circumstances, to fight the battle, the spiritual war. Yes, I was taking all my medicines, my homepath stuff, resting, etc. , but I was not taking all my spiritual armor into this battle, the battle that mattered most. When I realized that, admitted it, and just prayed, deeper, longer, with complete giving of self, something broke in the spirit, and then something broke in the natural. It didn’t matter how dim and dark it was, I had peace. I had Jesus, I had His Spirit in me, I was reminded of how important and powerful it is to focus on that, and not take my focus off that, no matter how distracted. The battle within had changed. The Holy Spirit that was being held back for my lack of faith was released in all His power, and abilities. He stands waiting always, for he is in us, if we have received Him with evidence. But he needs us to authorize Him to fight for us. All we have to do is trust that much, say a simple heartful ,”yes”, and where there was doubt, there is now certainty. Doesn’t matter if the physical circumstances don’t change right away, He is there, in the spirit, fighting for us and our specific needs, and we Know it! Our advocate is activated, engaged, God is for us, with us, and there simply is no power on earth or heaven greater than HIM! We Know that being in that place is where we want to be and would have it no other way, trusting Him completely with our lives, and our eternity with Him. When we desire it, decide it, commit to it, trust it without even that shadow of doubt, it doesn’t really matter what our physical circumstances are, whether we survive or its our last day, when we are one with Him, that is our best moment, best day. Nothing else even comes close. And when we just rest in that place, the pain is less, the aches are less, the cough is less, and He is more of what heaven has and is, and that is what we experience.
Something I never did before, I want to share. My wife sent me an email, with a link to some music. I was reluctant to click the link. She said it was healing frequency music. But I did click on it, and I listened for almost an hour. In just bowed my head in surrender, and let the music fill me. I have no opinion on it, other than to share my experience. I knew instantly it was good, not bad, not counterfeit God. The Holy Spirit told me it was OK to listen. After a little while my mind imagined I was in heaven, in a room, with other people and angels, and Jesus was there, even if I could not see him. Just knowing he was there was enough, for me and everyone. I carefully entered in, and grabbed a seat in the way back from where Jesus was. This was new for me, but not for them. In this room, in His presence, there was healing, there was restoration, there was peace, and no words, no one spoke at all. Everything was understood without having to explain anything. Those that were there had a certain purpose for being there. And the music played. And the number one thing of all in the room was He was being worshiped by everyone, all the time, and it was like they could not get enough of it, I could not get enough of it. Their (and my) aches, pains, sins were secondary to just being fortunate to be there and being able to worship Him. Some people came and went, and I saw many who being new like me just stayed in the back taking it all in, but at the same time doing everything everyone else was doing like they had been doing it for eternity.
I kept thinking how fortunate I was to just be in that room. It was a part of heaven. I was worshipping with angels, my Lord, savior, King, creator, and with angels. I also thought I was not worthy of it, how can this be? What right did I suddenly have to be there? I was cranky, complaining, grumpy, angry, sick of being sick, almost faith less and hopeless, and all the things my faith and God’s Word said I should not be. It was because I listened to the beautiful music, the healing frequency, the God frequency. But it wasn’t necessarily the music itself. It was that God himself was in the music, and because I had the faith to try, to step out, to change my circumstances, not in the physical, but in the spirit, God’s spirit came alive in me, where he always was, and He showed me a new level of pain, darkness, and depression, but when the music played he also showed me a new level of trust, of hope, of healing, of restoration. Just as that day when I first placed my complete trust and faith in Him to fight this battle for me, that same mindset was back, but deeper, stronger, more powerful. The music helps yes, but I can worship him without the music. Understanding is good, but it is less than Faith. Faith is great, but Faith requires also hope and love. God is love, and when all is said and done, and all recording of life has been recorded, when time itself ceases, and there is only God to worship, then we will know completely how important worshiping Him is to life and to eternity. For now, I am grateful for Him allowing me to enter in the room, the music room, the healing room, the worship room to worship Him. I don’t know the way there, for there is no doorway, no path, no coming or going, but I know Jesus and because He is there, I can be there, and there is a seat for me a place for me. I know I can come back, as often as I need to. Do I need to be approved, dressed appropriately, understand all scripture, and have performed great works and deeds? No of course not, I had the worst attitude I could imagine, and as undeserving as anyone on the planet. How then did I get in, what was the cost of entry? My faith , trust, hope, humility, honesty, and repentance, and coming just as I was. He paid the cost, it was Him and is Him. And by no other way or person can anyone enter in. I believe the Father Knows each of us completely, for he created each of us. How you relate to Him is between Him and you. If healing frequency music helps you find Him, and draw closer, yes even be with Him and receive His healing, then so be it! Just ask the Holy Spirit to show you Truth! And if He is in the music, then draw near, rest in it, and open your heart in trust to receive whatever healing or revelation the Father has for you. Keep these things in your heart, and let no one and no thing persuade you from the Truth and the healing God has for you.
