It was evening, just finished my workout, and it was a struggle finding motivation to exercise. As I sat there, I knew I had not prayed in a few days, honestly, earnestly, quietly. I pray often during each day, but you know, that prayer that says to God, I know you are there, listening, and I want to be careful what I say to you, and talk to you from that place inside me that is totally honest, truthful, so much it hurts to think of it. Here’s that prayer. Do you ever feel like this?
Father I am exhausted from frustration. I try to speak to others about you and they hurry away. I try to speak to those who say they follow you and love you and they reach for stones to silence my words. I feel as though, if I were to preach in a church, I should leave a pile of stones at the entrance so each one listening can throw one at me when I offend them. You said to share the living word you have placed in me with fervor and boldness, yet is there anyone who longs for the True Living Word, the one with the two edged sword that is oiled with honesty and cuts deep into the heart, as eager as I am to share it? Are there any who pant to it as they do a drink of cool water on their dry tongue. Is there anyone who seeks your forgiveness more than their own lives. Is there anyone who is looking for a hope that will never end . Are their truth seekers who will stop at nothing to find it and let no distractions or temptation sway them from finding it.
Even though I am with many, I feel alone in my purpose and efforts. Those with me encourage and pledge but quickly hide when persecution comes. They scurry away when a harassing threat appears or an unkind word. They wither from the mission you gave us, like a water filled weed in the desert heat. My body is reminding me I am on limited time and that soon may be sooner than I think. Though I let myself be distracted by busy things, less important tasks, acts that mean nothing to you, I know in my heart I need to spend time accomplishing your agenda and not mine. With the time I have left I pledge that I will to do that in earnest.
I love you lord hear my prayer. Forgive my sins make me clean in your presence. Make me ready for the next life with you. I lean upon your words when you said that if I believe in you and placed my trust in you and you made your home in me, I would not taste death’s sting, I would not see death as the wicked do, not as a doorway to hell, but as a step into heaven.
I am but rags and a wretched one who humbly here asks for your love and favor. Take away any fear and doubt from now until the last day, so that I may live free in you without hesitating to do what you ask. That which others see as a folly of faith, you see as that which will last forever, and is pleasing to you, even though the world hates it and counts it weak and meaningless.
Hear my prayer lord as I write these words. Forgive me for forgetting what you have shown me. You saved me because I wrote you these words, “OK Jesus you fight satan for me.” Instantly your Holy Spirit wind descended and filled me, from toe to head. It was you and I knew it and now I know you as intimately as you said I would if I placed my whole heart and faith in you. Then three days hence you sent the flame of fire into me and I felt it enter and it has never left. I hear you say when I ask Lord, what more what can I do to serve you, Son of man write what my spirit gives you to share. Your Way is simple, your Ask is small, your Word is power, and all I need is an obedient heart and fingers nimble enough to type the keys as your message appears on screen. I learn what you say as I type it, not before. Until then I am an ignorant fool. Obedience is the key, and the only thing I need to respond to and have faith in that what is written is your Living Word, not subject to my opinion or interpretation, it serves you in ways I cannot imagine and should not try to. I am content with being used by you, grateful for the opportunity to serve you, humbled by the responsibility you place me in, thankful for the skills you have born in me, happy to be simply serving you in a manner that you are pleased.
When I am exhausted, frustrated, even angry with life, feeling desperate, alone, overwhelmed with meaningless busy, I stop my world, take the time, find the place, kneel with folded hands before you, in your presence. There, in that place I find you, always waiting for me to get there, wondering why I have not come more often. Its silly, and in no way do I compare God to this, for He is above all and Lord of the universe, but… I think of my friend, my Lucy, my dog. She doesn’t ever want me to leave, waits so patiently while I am gone, eager for my return, and whether it is a short time or long, whether its an hour or a few days, she greets me at the door with wagging tale and circles of delight that I am home with her again. No need for guilt, no need for forgiveness, although we have missed each other in degrees words cannot measure, we are just happy to be together again, loving each other as if no time has passed at all. Thank you Lord for always being there for me. Waiting, until I can stop life, and simply be in your presence, again. You have proven to me time and again, and again, your love for me is unending, unconditional, eager to be enjoyed together, and you are just waiting for me to take a moment and remind me of that. When my heart is right before you, forgiveness is a given, it is GIVEN as I ask it. In fact after I ask, you also remind me, according to my faith I can have as much of you as I desire. In your presence, I am no longer amazed at the many miracles you do in my life, seen and unseen, acknowledged or not. But I am amazed at this, that as the years have passed by, as with my Lucy, no matter how long its been, and no matter how often we part and come together again, our meeting is new, like the first time we met, with joy and “both our tales wagging”, no words can measure the happiness we share just being in each other’s presence.
Lord, if my time is short now, and this could be my last post to others, let it be the Truth that needs to be told, to the heart that longs to hear it. As you always do, whatever I write, change it to speak to each heart as they have needs, to serve them in the way that only you can, by a miracle of truth that only you know as their personal God and savior. To you be the glory and honor and power forever, amen.
